Sunday, September 26, 2010

Patience is a Virtue That I Lack

We've waited almost 17 months to see this:

My little boy up on his feet. Yes, he's hyper-extending his right leg a little and no, he didn't get up here by himself, but he was able to stand for about FIVE minutes. This feels like a small miracle. Some people never are able to get up on their feet, let alone walk (that is still a ways off), so we really don't take it for granted. :) 

My patience for milestones waxes and wanes. I mean really, if you've known me for any length of time, you'll know that I've *never* been a patient person. Not ever. I even showed up on my due date, right smack in the middle of the day at 12:34pm - clearly, it was time to be born. I've worked hard to make things happen in my life whenever it was up to me. And many times, I've been able to MAKE miracles happen in terms of what I can accomplish in what amount of time. 

But guess what? Dean doesn't work like that. I've tried. I've wondered countless times if I could work harder with him so he could experience more. It's not about me being disappointed in Dean if he doesn't accomplish something (far from it!!!), you see... it's all about me. Having a child whose timeline I simply cannot work harder to "fix" (as if he's broken?) has been the hardest thing. It offends my sensibilities. If it sounds incredibly self-centered, don't worry, it is. :/ I'm working on it. That's why it's really frustrating sometimes to hear that Dean will do things in his own time. Trust me, by now, I get it. It's just figuring out how to live with the inner drive to *do more* that I've ALWAYS had (like I said, I was born this way) that is always wrestling with the realization that there are just some things I cannot change. Serenity prayer, I know, I say it maybe a thousand times a day. Mantras, affirmations, blah blah blah. It's really hard to change something that is so central to who you are. The typical consolations aren't really that comforting to me. I'm trying. Please give me credit for that.

On another impatient note, tomorrow is my ultrasound, at 9:30am. Now I'm leaning towards girl (notice I'm covering all my bases so I can't be wrong ;)), as are most others, it seems! Someone asked me to post the results on the blog and on Facebook, and I chuckled. You know it'll be up as soon as I get a chance. :) Last chance to vote in the poll!! (Facebook followers, go right to http://www.divingintothewaves.com to vote).