Monday, October 11, 2010

Making the Cut... Well, You Know.

I had an OB appointment today and all went well. Heard a great little heartbeat, which never gets old, and the rest went well. I really like this OB, Dr. Schmitt, and would love to schedule him for my c-section if possible. I think we'll be setting a date in the next month! So exciting. I can't wait to meet this little boy (after he cooks more thoroughly, of course). :)

A topic that has come up throughout this pregnancy is whether I will get my tubes tied during the c-section. We know for certain that we are done with three kids, and we get pregnant very (very) easily, so it's time for now to make things permanent. We love our kids but feel that we can only handle so many of them, they are expensive, we don't know what all of Dean's long-term needs will be, blah blah blah. :)

Not sure what reaction you just had to that, but I've found the reaction is often negative. For some reason, two 29-year-olds with 3 kids deciding to close up shop on the baby front is offensive to some. "You're so young...," is what I often hear. Umm, yes, young, but we'll have THREE kids. I'm not a 23-year-old with no kids who says that I want to tie my tubes so I never have ANY children. I'm not Michelle Duggar (who I do happen to like, but I just am not planning to follow in her footsteps :)) popping out kid after kid and make the fullest use of ALL my childbearing years. Why is it so weird to make a rational, responsible decision in the middle? At what combination of age and kids is it "acceptable" these days to make this decision, if it all? Let me know if you find out.

A generation or two ago, we'd be in good company with our ages and number of kids to decide that our family was complete. These days, I often feel like we're in the wrong decade for having ANY kids by our age, let alone three. So I get that it takes people off-guard.

"What if something happens to Bob and you get remarried and want more kids with that guy?" Umm, what if monkeys invade space and annihilate our planet and take all the children under age 6? Dean has taught me more than anyone else that you just can't predict what's around the corner and that it's pointless to plan as if you can. Sure, we have life insurance, but we're not going to take measures to predict every possible contingency ahead.

We are also open to extending our family one day (aka not any time soon) for adopting a child or fostering kids or who knows what. Again, that is *down the line.* That is one of the benefits of starting young having kids. There is time. :) (and by the way, I understand that some do not have that choice of starting young - just trying to highlight one of the positives of *our* situation!)

Have you encountered similar reactions? Interested to hear from those who have experienced this or something similar. Or maybe the opposite!

13 comments:

Kera said...

I am not in your boat at this time, but I fully understand where you are coming from. I would probably be doing the same in your shoes. Three boys is definitely a house full. You and Bob are the only ones who know what's best.

I find, at this time, that I can't decide when/if to have another child. As you have stated, children aren't exactly cheap, add to that all the medical bills, how are we supposed to make that decision? Then, today, I see all these new baby's in Target and I get baby fever. Decisions, decisions!

Ali Foley Shenk said...

Kera,
Thanks for your feedback! For us, we just knew. We knew that three was our number and now that #3 is on the way, it just feels right. We are 100% certain! You'll know. :)
Ali :)

Gina B said...

"Umm, what if monkeys invade space and annihilate our planet and take all the children under age 6?"

This made me laugh. A lot. Reminds me of why I like you so much. :)

I don't know if we'll be having more kids or not. But I do know that I have had countless people make comments like, "So, when are you going to have your second?" or "Wait until you have another!" etc. It drives me insane. What if I had some kind of complication after having my first that didn't allow me to have another? What if we feel that we are "one and done"? Do you know that my husband and both his parents are only children and they are totally functioning human beings?

Anyway. Kind of the same thing, kind of opposite. You guys do what you know you need to do!

Steph said...

like you, ali, i have a feeling that 3 is our number, too, but i have no idea when we'll have #3, if ever. interestingly, though, we have the opposite experience. i think people in our case are more surprised that we're open to having more kids than they would be if we announced we were done and taking permanent birth control measures.

Kevin said...

We planned on five and ended up with four. The fourth time slot didn't get filled so we had the first, second, third, and fifth kids.

Ashley Scoonover said...

Before Cooper was even a month old, people were already asking when we were having the next child. I usually just make some comment such as, "Well, let's get settled into life with him first" or "Ask me again in 6 months." I'm with Gina though, what if there were complications, etc? We're also into the adoption idea.

We've also very much experienced the "you're so young" comments. For our town, at 26, we are very abnormal to have a child. Most people around here start having children at about 30-years-old.

Loved the comic the other day, by the way! :)

Ali Foley Shenk said...

Uncle Kevin, that's such a Foley thing to say. I love it.

Sarah said...

The monkeys comment had me laughing. I completely understand where you're coming from and would make the same decision in your shoes!

Laurie said...

I think people will make comments no matter what you choose for family size. I have a friend who has 4 and she started getting comments when she was pregnant with her third about having such a "big" family! People with no kids or small families get hassled for being "selfish" and only thinking of themselves, and people with larger families get hassled for being "selfish" and not thinking about draining the world's resources. You can't win!! So don't even worry what other people are doing and thinking.

At the end of the day the only question you have to answer is "Is this right for our family and does it make us happy?"

Barbara said...

Ali,
I stopped at 2 and i knew that it was all I could handle, so i am with you on your decision. i do not believe in putting my own priorities on others, especially when it comes to a decision that is so personal. You and God know how much you can handle. And for me it was a good thing I stopped at 2, since I became a single mom later & it was all I could do to parent 2 children! God Bless you with this 3rd baby! thank you for all the writing you do - You are a true inspiration to me !

Nikki Cupcake said...

i get the same reaction as you do when i talk about how i'm done having kids.... i'm about to have baby #2 any day now, and i know i'm done with kids (but i am only 23 my partner is 30) i actually considered getting my tubes tied. but my doctor has talked me out of it.... i've chosen something much less permanent and i'll revisit getting my tubes tied down the road

BUT first and for most it's your life and you do what makes you happy and fits for you

Andrés Acosta said...

I never considered having my tubes tied, just b/c we weren't ready to make things "final". We said we were happy w/ two boys and that that would be it but JIC let's schedule a vasectomy a little after Evan's birth. And then BAM! I really think sometimes things are already planned for us you know?

We definitely want one more, I think we always did but were just thinking practically, now we're thinking with our hearts. PWS has taught us a lot.

Anyway, (I "talk" too much) people butt in way too much. You do whatever you feel is best for you and your family.

Unknown said...

Oh yeah, at any age, decade or situation, the general public seems to think it's OK to inject their opinions in your family-planning decisions (or what they perceive those to be!). I found out many years ago that the best response I came up with was "hmmm, why do you ask?" or less nicely put, "Hmmm...now why would you think that question was any of your business." :)