Monday, March 5, 2012

Hanging In

Today marks the end of a four-day weekend with Bob being home. The way his schedule rotates, he has a few 1-day weekends, and then every third rotation, he has four days. It's wonderful and torturous at the same time.

When Bob and I went on our honeymoon, there was a wonderful this-is-nowhere-near-real-life quality to it. We slept in a place that looked like paradise (St. Lucia), got massages, kayaked on the beach, were brought endless drinks and food at our cabana on the sand, had nothing serious on our agenda, and dined on a wonderful combination of English/French/Indian food. Coming back to "real" life was a disappointment.

Fast forward 8 years and 3 kids later. Just being home together is a treat, a vacation from the ordinary, and unbelievably restorative. After a few days, I almost forget that it's not usually like this. Geez, I wouldn't even know what to do with a vacation like our honeymoon.

Lately, I've been having a hard time. Some of my closest friends know more about what kind of state I'm in, but it hasn't been good. If I'm saying no to a lot of outside obligations right now, it's because I'm trying desperately to prioritize and center myself on the things that just can't be compromised. If I say yes and then I say no, it's because I'm torn between where I want to be and where I really am. I'm wanting so badly to stretch myself and give to others and love others and do everything in the world because the world NEEDS me. Except it doesn't. My family needs me. I need me. So a weekend like this weekend was perfect, but I'm still getting better. Thanks for your patience.

Ever feel totally overwhelmed? Please share. I know others feel this way, but it's just good to hear that I'm not alone.


Allison Peretin said...

You are not alone. I would like to post your paragraph starting with.."Lately.." as my FB status. This is exactly how I feel. I think it's a good thing to recognize, and I think true friends will be patient as you regroup. You are so lucky that your family is such a rock. It's an inspiration to read about. I'm with you on being totally overwhelmed and wanting to just focus on my little unit for now. Hang in there!

Ali Foley Shenk said...

Thanks, Allison! :)

Laurie said...

I've felt this way for most of the past two and a half years. Literally only within the last few weeks have I been able to accomplish anything close to what I have wanted to do. And only because I've had outside help. So that might not actually count!

I have dust bunnies that are now almost three year olds. I sign up for positions I end up resigning from, no matter how simple they are. I agree to show up for something that I can't make it to. I constantly forget I can't do something because, wait for it, I have an appointment. Or am coming back from the appointment. Or going to the appointment. Or just not enough time between appointments. I promise people I will do things for them that never get done. I feel like the normal people in the community I live in see me as a flake... it's a highly mobile military community, and everyone who is here now that knows me has only met me AFTER Olivia. They never knew me before.

It's very frustrating... even more frustrating to know where you want your family to be... the mental, physical, emotional environment you want for them, and still be so busy with their needs that you can't get to the luxuries of family life. Or even the niceties... like clean ceiling fans.

Ali Foley Shenk said...

Laurie, how did you get inside my head??? That is EXACTLY what it's like for me.