Friday, December 14, 2012

Today

I wish I knew what to say. For me, it's a bit like 9.11 all over again. Not because of the volume of the life lost, but because of the innocence of the life that was lost, the geographical proximity of those lost (Newtown is not far from where I grew up in CT), and the fact that it was a KINDERGARTEN class. My Cole is in Kindergarten. It is unfathomable to me that this could have happened in his classroom. That he would have to join hands with his little classmates and find some semblance of refuge in a place that shouldn't even need "refuge" as a reference point.

It makes me sick to my stomach. I heard the news in the form of a text from my mom while I was in a 3-hour feeding evaluation with Dean at Children's Hospital. I didn't really process what flashed across my iPhone screen. It took a while for it to sink in. When it did, I felt sick to my stomach. Every bone in my body told me to go to school NOW and take my boy home NOW, but I talked myself down again and again, repeating that it wasn't rational and that I just needed to let things be. But I watched that clock and 3:30 (when I leave to pick Cole up) didn't come quickly enough. I left the house at 3:28. Close enough.

I can't really make sense of it all, and I'm left feeling like the task of "where do we go from here?" is just too big to comprehend. And that the people who really "get" what needs to come next aren't the ones who need to hear it. :( Is it safe to send Cole back to school on Monday? I don't know. Probably, and yet it feels like no. It renews my earlier desire to homeschool, but perhaps now is not the time to make that decision. All I know is that my usual "don't touch me" 5-year-old told me on the car ride home that he missed me so very much today and I told him that there was going to be mandatory snuggling once we got back. For all Cole knows, it was just another school day, but for me, this was a turning point. There are certain things I can't ever take for granted again.

I keep thinking about where we all go from here, what do we do, what do we look out for so horrors like this do not happen again. I take comfort in knowing that although these events seem more common, society on the whole thinks this is a very, very bad thing and that most people are not like the shell of a person who opened fire on a Kindergarten classroom. Look alive, hug those sweet kids, promise to hold down the fort with whatever little piece of Jesus-loving you can to put good BACK into this world. Come, Lord Jesus.

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