Sunday, October 17, 2010

Me, My Birthday, and I

Thanks for all the birthday wishes on Facebook yesterday!! So fun. :) I had a great birthday hanging out for the day at my parents' house. We met up with Natalie's family, who was in town for the weekend (well, her brother lives nearby) and then we went back to relax before everyone came over for dinner. I got in a huge nap, which I haven't done in... awhile. Usually when the kids nap at the same time, I'm so excited to have time to myself that I can't sleep! But something about being at my parents' house - my body just knows to relax. Wonderful.

And no, we didn't do anything crazy for my birthday. Really, since becoming a mom, all I want for my birthday is a nice, relaxing day. Breathing. Sleeping. Eating. These all are good things. I'm easy to please!

I didn't take any pictures of the weekend, but here is the most recent belly picture. You asked for it!

I'm only 24 weeks, so I have 15 more weeks of expansion to go. Eek! It's funny when people say, "Oh, it's probably just because it's your third kid, right?" Umm, no sirree. Anyone who's seen me pregnant before knows that this is par for the course! 

For comparison, here is me at 27 weeks with Dean (closest I could find): 

And at 25 weeks with Cole: 

Ok, maybe it is bigger this time! But not crazily so. :) Emmett is still kicking away. It's usually reassuring. Still hanging onto delivery day - and not because that day being "normal" or not will ensure anything for the future. Anything could happen to any of us at any time. But it would be the first time, really, that I was able to enjoy the birth of my child if it were a "normal" day. 

With Cole, I was so nervous and was so set on a completely drug-free, "natural" birth (I actually despise the term "natural" when relating to births now, as if having a child come out a different way or with different amounts of medications makes your kid an alien or something). After laboring entirely in my back for 30 hours and pushing until I broke blood vessels in my eyes for two hours, my sweet Cole's LITTLE head was stuck the wrong way in my pelvis (so much so that he still has a bump on the back of his head from the hematoma that was there - his head laid a layer of bone over it!) and I had a c-section when his heartrate started skyrocketing with each push. He was born and I was so excited... and yet, sadly, so disappointed that things didn't go the way I'd planned. Yup, it was more about me than I'd like to admit. It was the first time I'd tried really, really hard at something and couldn't do it. :/ I can't tell you how badly I now wish I had ONLY been happy that my son was here instead of having the experience tainted with my disappointment. 

With Dean, we knew something was wrong because he wasn't moving much in the womb - there was not a question in my mind now that this was just not me getting a mellow kid for #2 - something was wrong. I went for a routine non-stress test and failed. Was sent to ultrasound. My amniotic fluid was measuring a 44 (!!!) on ultrasound and everyone was saying they'd never seen fluid that high. Great. We talked and decided that Dean must be born, even though he was only 35 weeks. Turns out that it was a good idea because Dean's body was filling up with my amniotic fluid - in fact, no one ever told me why that happened. He couldn't move his limbs, his cry was weak, his blood sugars were in the toilet, he was severely anemic, and he had practically no reflexes. I will never forget the neonatologist lifting up his arms and dropping them to elicit a reflex... but Dean's little arms just fell like lead weights. 

So really, pretty please, can we have a normal delivery? Can I walk into the OR for a c-section and the baby is born and the experience is colored neither by disappointment nor by medical distress? Please? I know it might sound nuts that we're even going through this again, and it's obviously not so this experience can redeem the others. I received no such guarantee when we found out we were pregnant again. We just want another kid. But a peaceful, healthy delivery for baby and mama would really, really help. 


Kevin said...

The conflicts in your feelings are quite understandable. I have no advice, but I will pray for you.

Candice said...

Sounds like a wonderful birthday wish!

Happy birthday to you by the way. You look great!

Unknown said...

I hope you have a wonderful birth day experience this time around, Ali. I *love* your belly comparison shots - you look fantastic!

Andrés Acosta said...

I'll be wishing your wish comes true :).