Tuesday, February 28, 2012

Put it Down

A worthy goal. Except you can't make everything around you beautiful when you're holding onto baggage.

This morning, I went to my MOPS group and there was a speaker about forgiveness. Greeeeeat. 'Cause talking about forgiveness is comfortable. Sigh.

I went in thinking that I was doing pretty well in the forgiveness department, which is code for I must have a serious problem in the forgiveness department.

The speaker had a selection of water bottles with her and asked for ways that unforgiveness hurts us: bitterness, anger, fear, fatigue, you name it. About a dozen bottles later, she piled them into a tote bag, and then carried the bag around. The weight of that bag, although only visual, was obvious. It prevented her from being able to hug, to extend to, to help those around her. Nothing about it was good.

So then we had a reflection time and I knew what was going to happen. God was talking to me and I just wasn't feeling like listening. Because I knew what He was saying: You're not only carrying that bag, you're refusing to put it down. You're trying to pretend that you're ok with carrying it while instead, it's slowly killing you.

And, as God tends to be, He was right. Oddly, the person I had to forgive was... God. Not because He has done anything wrong, but because I continue to hold blame against Him anyway. I continue to shake my fists at the sky from time to time and say, Why? Why my baby? Why does every little thing in life have to be hard for him? How... am I going to do this?

By putting the bag down. And letting God deal with the bag. Because lugging it around isn't doing any good....

... Which, on a lighter note, reminds me of this:

1 comment:

horace said...

Hey Ali. Just wanted to say that I very much relate to your post. Watching your child struggle, suffer just feels wrong. Its so hard to understand and yet of course distance and anger at God, life, and the universe gets in the way of being who we need to be. Hard stuff.